Thank god for a friend who drives very far in the wee hours of the morning to supervise my medical care and captures the precious moment of when I try to carry my own IV bag, trip on the line, and yup, that's blood all over the gown.

A friend that buy gifts for my parasite that I named Juan Pablo.

A friend who sits by my side while my bottle of seltzer explodes all over my Hugh Hefner pajamas and hospital gurney. Lying in the ER in a puddle was EXACTLY how I wanted to spend my last weekend in America.

She's just gonna wait for my anti-nausea meds on this really comfortable metal bench underneath the wall of "Date Night" personal lubricants and facing the adult diapers.